— By Dr. Karin Galliano, who specializes in marital counseling, anxiety disorders and ADHD
Currently, in America, approximately 41% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce. The average duration of a first marriage is eight years.
I, for one, never liked statistics. I would prefer to be an outlier. I believe that marriages are worth fighting for. After all, marriages are commitments. Are they not supposed to last a lifetime? Isn't the promise supposed to involve “till death do us part?”
Granted, not all marriages are meant to stay together. Divorce is not failure, especially in cases where there is abuse. No person should tolerate abuse. Mental and physical abuse is a game-changer.
I get to work with couples who want to see if they can fix their marriage. That’s when things get interesting and inspiring.
Let’s start with love. Love changes everything. In some marriages, partners grow apart and want different things for their lives. Divorce is easy when both parties have lost their loving feeling. Yet there are other marriages where love lingers, and those relationships may just need a jumpstart and a tune-up. Marriage doesn’t have to feel like a life sentence. Relationships can reinvent themselves.
I am a great advocate for John Gottman’s framework for marital therapy, which permits couples to fight—but teaches them how to fight fairly. There is a five-to-one ratio that guarantees you won’t be doomed for divorce. During conflict, for every negative interchange that occurs, there have to be at least five positive interactions. Fighting is not the killer of marriages. Rather, it's the process of escalating the conflict that does the serious damage—pouring oil on the fire because you are so full of contempt and rage.
The secret is to look at your partner. Are they in emotional pain? Does your spouse show signs of agitation and rising blood pressure? Rather than insisting on being right and having the last word, choose to be kind. Take off your boxing gloves and go to your corners. Have mercy on your spouse. Discussions can be postponed to another time. Be the one who goes over and gives your lover a hug or makes a little joke. It’s what John Gottman calls a repair attempt.
We can all say incredibly stupid things to our partners out of anger, but we can redeem the sting by apologizing and using repair attempts.
In my opinion, marital satisfaction has a lot to do with authenticity. Humor, authenticity, and passion are the keys to happiness. How many times I have heard the comment, “I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him anymore.” Or the comment, “She is no longer the woman I married.” Can you please tell me where I can find the perfect man or the perfect woman? They just don’t exist.
The reality is your partner is still the same person you married. You are never going to change another person. All of us have a dark side and a light side. Just imagine the complexity that goes on inside our own heads, the crazy and unrelenting conversations we have with ourselves. Do you really think you can control the person you’re with?
The secret to a happy marriage is making yourself happy. It all comes down to being genuine and authentic. You have to love yourself before you can truly love another person. Loving yourself is embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly about your present self. You have to have a sense of humor with yourself—and not beat yourself up on a regular basis.
Be gentle with yourself and merciful when you mess up in life. Be passionate about things that bring you joy, whether they be big or small. Every person has to have “nonnegotiables” in their relationships. If you love to read or travel or play golf or play pickleball or cook or own a dog, please do those with a passion. Invite your partner, but don’t ask permission from your partner. If you’re not happy, the only one you can blame is yourself.
In the book The Four Agreements, author Miguel Ruiz made an unforgettable statement: “How empty of me to be so full of you.” No matter how irritated your spouse may make you at times, be impeccable with your word, don’t take things personally, always do your best, and don’t make assumptions. Practice authenticity and respect the authenticity of your spouse.
Remember the love that brought you together. The memories, the children, and the journey itself are a precious result of loving years. Your partner is not your enemy, so take good care of yourself and your partner. And if all else fails or your partner leaves, practice the art of letting go. Letting go of the fear of not being loved will set you free to love again.
— Article published in Florida Weekly | January 2025
Comments